Allo allo, yes well, it’s been a super long time since I typed out something here, or well, most likely ranted. So here goes. Almost 2 months has passed, school’s crazy seriously. So much drama happened and it got resolved already, but the swinging moods that is being passed around here is like crazy. I’ve got super drunk twice already, and the second time I drank I hated it cause I was just horribly depressed. I mean yes the drama has nothing to do with me, but it changes the dynamics of everything, but i’m not gonna touch on that because it’s over and it’s no point talking about that anymore.
Which brings me to the main issue and that is relationships, oh before I start on that, my sister is apparently gonna be married next year the way things are going because she is insistent that the guy that she’s going to marry is going to give her all the freedom she wants. Just because my father says she has to be back home by 10pm. Well if she just says where she is, lie if she has to at least he wouldn’t have too worry so much. Yea I like to stay at home but i also need my freedom, I leave the house at 7, 8pm just to go for a walk. I need my space. I desperately need it, I don’t know why, last time I would just be contended to stay at home, but I realize now I can’t I feel cooped up and suffocated wherever I am. Ya so she’s going to get married to him *cue gagging* and I don’t know whether I want to attend the wedding, I can just say i’m working and I can’t come back. I mean I’ll come back perhaps for a week during the festive period and I don’t think a wedding can be held during that time so yah. Yea I don’t approve of the wedding, and I know my father doesn’t as well, well I’d like to think that, but as a father his duty is to get her married off and if he can do that, then why not. Oh and she said the guy will pay for the entire wedding. She’s gone gallivanting around the world for an unpaid internship and has gone back to finish off her studies, whether she gets a job after that we can only wait and see.
Right back to relationship. I’m just super tired of everything. The mood here really just sucks the life out of me. I know my roomie makes an effort to make sure everything goes well and all, and sometimes I feel bad for her cause she hasn’t done anything and suddenly she has got issues to deal with. But good on her cause she’s stepped up, taken the brunt of it and solved all those issues. But i don’t see why she has to face those issues when she really didn’t do anything. Yea so I feel bad for her sometimes. And I myself go into my moods sometimes. I so desperately try not to do so because I know I can be trying, but sometimes I can’t help it, something that someone says or does just triggers it, but this week my moods have been out of whack cause my period is coming so thankfully I’ll be back to normal after that. Yea but i’ve begun to think whether I want all of these relationships, like family, friends and what not. Friends aren’t giving me much of a problem, it’s just the family now, which I’ve begun to dread and hate. So i’m wondering whether I should just disappear off for a bit after I’m done with my internship. It’s just a thought, don’t know whether i wanna do it or not. Plus this relationships and all is making me rethink whether I wanna get married and have children. Yes, yes I know I’m talking all over the place. Yup I don’t think I have the capability to stay with someone for the rest of my life. What if I get super annoyed and angry one day and realize that I don’t want to live with this person anymore? What then? I don’t want to go through a divorce and what not. And for my future kids, what if I go crazy on them or realize that I can’t look after them. I mean I already have plans to send them to boarding school once they turn 5 or 6, what kind of parent does that make me?
Relationships forged, I don’t know whether I have the focus to maintain it. In a way the way I was brought up has inhibited it, but im trying to turn that around. I should have grown up. Let’s see what the future brings or maybe there might not even be a future. Whatever it is, let’s get some alcohol down and sleep like a living dead. Salut.
